...ja né. This is probably the fifth time in as many months that I've sat down to start writing about bridesmaids. There have been two things that stopped me from writing about this; the first is that I got so worked up just thinking about the stupid things bridesmaids do and the second is that I didn't want the post to sound aggressive and like an angry attack. So now I try again and will do it in the form of an open letter. <Clears throat> Dear Bridesmaids,
What the fark is going on with you oaks these days? I don't know whether to laugh at the ridiculousness of the things I've heard and seen or to smack you. Let's get this very true fact out there real quick: This day, this very wedding day that you've been asked to be a part of, not just invited to but to be an integral part in the journey getting there, this day is actually not about you. <Wait for it...> Yip, true stuff.
I know you think you have a say in what you should wear but really, you don't. If the bride wants you in a garbage bag, you ask black or green. You do not, under any circumstances and especially when the bride has paid for your outfit, go and buy your own outfit to wear to the wedding. Like WTF is the matter with you, you silly woman. Put some big girl panties on and wear the dress the bride gave you, shut up and smile.
If the bride is going through a difficult time, oh let's say like dealing with the loss of a loved one days before the wedding, you do not tell her to "Chill out." What on bluddy earth is wrong with you? "Chill out." Ja, I think I'll tell you to 'chill out' when I slap you in the face with a fish.
If the bride tries on dresses and she invited you, IT IS NOT TO GIVE AN OPINION. Don't even think about it, unless the bride specifically asks you. Still, it is not your place to belittle her in the dress that she likes. It is not the place or time to pull your face in that awful there's-shit-on-my-lip look. It is not the place to say "Oh, is that what you're wearing?" Are you kidding me?
When the make up artist and photographer rock up on the wedding day to do the job that they got paid to do by the bridal couple, you get off your lazy-arse and take your shit that's lying around (including the worn panties on the floor) and you put it away in order for the professionals to do their job effectively. You do not demand smokey eyes from the make up artist when the brief from the bride was neutral. You do not tell the photographer where to photograph the dress. Shut up, clean up, wash up and bring the bride something to drink! No one needs a dehydrated bride.
When the bride asks you to come with to a fitting, don't cancel last minute and say "Oh but when I'm in town again we can meet for coffee." No, this is not a coffee date that the bride invited you to. Come on, man.
Oh and for goodness sake Carol, JUST because YOU got married and are SOOOO experienced in all things wedding...JUST. SHUT. UP. You went through it for the first time, stop spoiling it for the bride with all your little "insights", let her have her first time too and experience it new and fresh. And then, while we're at it, stop talking about your baby so much and focus on what the bride is saying. Thanks, Carol, we all know little Ben had diarrhea the last week. Thanks, Susan, we all wanted to know how dilated you were at what stage of the day during delivery. WTF?
When you are at the wedding, you do not stand in the corner during the first dance with your hands folded sulking or whatever it is that you're doing there moping. You get the party started and kick your shoes off (ohhhhh, THAT's why you're miserable...you're feet are hurting. Shêm.) and dance the night away!
Your bride should want for nothing. She should feel like she is the most loved person during this process and after. You should not be a mission for her. She should not have to deal with the four of you bridesmaids bickering because you can't decide on a date or theme for the bachelorette. Just stop thinking about yourselves for a bit.
And then my dear bride, fire those girls who give you grief. Fire the one whose opinion is given without being asked. Fire the one who's having secret meetings with your ex. Fire the one who is only there when other people see her doing something but she doesn't actually ask you how you're doing. Fire the one who doesn't want to wear blush because "it's not her colour". Fire the one who is negative, who brings your energy down and who sends you home in tears. Life's too short, and this journey itself is waaaayyyyy to freakin' awesome and short to deal with that kind of BS.
You know, the most phenomenal bridesmaids I've worked were people that amongst other things had cancer, was 38 weeks pregnant, had a lame leg and a limp, and yet they still went above and beyond to make sure their bride's dress was collected, danced the night away, sent flowers and gifts leading up to the day, and just did not complain.
Be like them. Don't be my next example of a Bad Bridesmaid. Ek watch jou.